A PAIN IN THE BUM
The world-renowned golfer Norm Von Nida (‘The Von’) grew up in the German farming community of Serpentine Creek (now known as Pinkenba, Brisbane). He recounted an adventure in quest of juicy watermelons.
‘Times were tough during my boyhood years but there was plenty of food to eat if you were brave enough to go and get it.
One day I decided to undertake a dangerous solo mission to a watermelon farm about a mile from our family home in Pinkenba. The farm was owned by a rough and tumble German called Mr Zeigimbine. Capture meant a certain thrashing but the lure of a tasty watermelon was too great a prize for a foolish 12-year-old. To get to the watermelons I left my clothes on the riverbank and swam across the river in the nude. I quickly grabbed the largest melon I could find and tossed it into the water. As I was floating it back to the safety of the far bank Mr Zeigimbine stumbled on the crime scene. “Norman, you little bugger, bring that wassermelon back here or else,” he shouted in guttural German. I was young, but I wasn’t stupid. If I returned the watermelon I was nicked for sure, so I decided to keep swimming. The old German was armed with a shotgun loaded with salt-petre, the perfect ammunition to foil crimes like mine which were rife on his farm. As I dived under the water for cover, my bare backside provided a perfect target and Mr Zeigimbine turned out to be a marksman of the highest caibre! He hit me flush on the right cheek and my bum was stinging for about three hours afterwards.
I never returned that watermelon, but I had to come clean to my father because I knew he’d find out sooner or later. He boxed my ears and said I’d have to pay Mr Zeigimbine back for the damage caused. “Go get your moneybox, Spango, and take out sixpence,” Dad said. “But a watermelon only costs tuppence,” I replied, not knowing when to shut up. “Well, Spango, you’ll pay three times what it’s worth and it’ll teach you a good lesson.”
We went to Mr Zeigimbine’s farm and I apologized and gave him the sixpence. Luckily he saw the funny side of it and forgave me, I can’t remember if I enjoyed eating that watermelon, but I’m sure I did!’.
